Honestly, they were written for mothers and their babies!
"My favourite place is me and you
I wake up in darkest night
Watch you breathe in shadow light
A perfect world lies next to me
And I don't need to sleep to dream...
Morning sun warms our skin
Distant sounds
The day begins
Soon their world will come calling for us
But this is space they cannot touch..."
(From Kate Miller-Heidke's "Space They Cannot Touch")
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Strength...
Being a mother is magnificently empowering. Not only did the birth make me feel invincible — for, surely only someone with super-human strength could get through the hell of labour in one piece, and be able to smile once it was over? — but caring for my baby instills in me a strength I don't think I had before. My family is in turmoil, things seem to go from bad to worse — I could go into detail, but that's not what this blog is about — and it is often up to me to pick up the pieces. I guess I don't have a choice — Otis deserves to be mothered with smiles and songs and cuddles, not sadness and anguish. So I go on, smiling and singing with joy in my voice, if not always in my heart.
Oh, and then there's the thesis...
Just a quick Oti update. He is on Day 5 of solids — Farex and breastmilk, with a little bit of Heinz Fruity Pear (wow, how incredibly descriptive those folk at Heinz are?!) thrown in for taste and variety. He hasn't pooed since his first taste! He cried in pain, waking about 5 times last night... Will lay off it today and hope those bowels get moving. Watching the poor little creature straining, grunting and red in the face is just so sad.
The first two nights of solids, he slept really, really well, waking only once or twice! I was stunned and expected it to continue... I keep forgetting my mantra — expect the unexpected.
Oh, and then there's the thesis...
Just a quick Oti update. He is on Day 5 of solids — Farex and breastmilk, with a little bit of Heinz Fruity Pear (wow, how incredibly descriptive those folk at Heinz are?!) thrown in for taste and variety. He hasn't pooed since his first taste! He cried in pain, waking about 5 times last night... Will lay off it today and hope those bowels get moving. Watching the poor little creature straining, grunting and red in the face is just so sad.
The first two nights of solids, he slept really, really well, waking only once or twice! I was stunned and expected it to continue... I keep forgetting my mantra — expect the unexpected.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Payback! That must be it...
I think Oti's poor sleeping is the universe's way of paying me back for being such a poor sleeper myself, for keeping Mum and Dad up all night when I was a babe.
He really tested my patience last night. Fell asleep on the dot of 7, as he has done the past couple of weeks. Woke at 10, fed, and then squirmed and grizzled in his sleep for 40 minutes, before waking again properly. I had to pat him to sleep, and then he woke again an hour later! Fed up, I took him in with me. He squirmed and wriggled, as if in pain, all night long. At 5 I told Phil I didn't feel like being his Mum today — could we find a replacement?
I think perhaps he's still suffering some side effects from the rotavirus vaccine. He did a huge, dirty, stinking poo this morning, and seemed somewhat calmer immediately afterwards.
My technique to get him to sleep longer than 45 minutes (yes, it worked!!) — sit by the cot about 5 minutes before his usual waking time, and when he starts to stir, just put a firm hand on his shoulder. He wriggled a little, and then was still. It's not ideal, but it's an improvement!
What else is new? He weighs 7.4 kg and is 66 cm long. He has started rolling again — tummy to back — doing it once last night and twice this morning. He had his first rusk stick last weekend, and absolutely relished it, getting it all over himself and screeching when he dropped it, impatiently waiting for Phil to rinse it before giving it back. He is enjoying playing with toys now, still not always managing to grasp them firmly, but able to hit toys that are hanging above him, and to push everything he comes into contact with, no matter how awkwardly, into his mouth.
Tonight Elise and Mark are babysitting so that Phil and I can go to the movies! I am praying he is sweet and lovely so that they a) will do it again sometime and b) aren't turned off having children of their own!
He really tested my patience last night. Fell asleep on the dot of 7, as he has done the past couple of weeks. Woke at 10, fed, and then squirmed and grizzled in his sleep for 40 minutes, before waking again properly. I had to pat him to sleep, and then he woke again an hour later! Fed up, I took him in with me. He squirmed and wriggled, as if in pain, all night long. At 5 I told Phil I didn't feel like being his Mum today — could we find a replacement?
I think perhaps he's still suffering some side effects from the rotavirus vaccine. He did a huge, dirty, stinking poo this morning, and seemed somewhat calmer immediately afterwards.
My technique to get him to sleep longer than 45 minutes (yes, it worked!!) — sit by the cot about 5 minutes before his usual waking time, and when he starts to stir, just put a firm hand on his shoulder. He wriggled a little, and then was still. It's not ideal, but it's an improvement!
What else is new? He weighs 7.4 kg and is 66 cm long. He has started rolling again — tummy to back — doing it once last night and twice this morning. He had his first rusk stick last weekend, and absolutely relished it, getting it all over himself and screeching when he dropped it, impatiently waiting for Phil to rinse it before giving it back. He is enjoying playing with toys now, still not always managing to grasp them firmly, but able to hit toys that are hanging above him, and to push everything he comes into contact with, no matter how awkwardly, into his mouth.
Tonight Elise and Mark are babysitting so that Phil and I can go to the movies! I am praying he is sweet and lovely so that they a) will do it again sometime and b) aren't turned off having children of their own!
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
More things I love about Otis...
His lopsided, patchy, glistening, golden hair. What can I say? It's a hairdo only a mother could love! It actually looks a little bit now, a little bit trendy, as if the sides have been shaved.
His little tongue that pokes out when he smiles.
His warm, clammy, frantic little hands, that grip onto anything and everything, so tightly.
His still-slightly-curved right foot. And his perfectly straight left foot. They are deliciously soft and pink.
The little scratch on his nose — I really should cut his nails more often!
His chubby, bloated, full-of-milk belly.
His huge, navy eyes, that are forever darting about, checking out the scenery.
His giggle. It's a real, little boy giggle now.
His smooth, white skin. Unblemished. Pure.
The look of bliss that lights up his face the second the warm bath water hits his naked bum.
The urgent, open-mouthed panting that begins the moment he glimpses my exposed nipple!
The sleepy, half-hearted whines that begin a few minutes before he closes his eyes.
His half-closed eyes as he drifts off to sleep...
His little tongue that pokes out when he smiles.
His warm, clammy, frantic little hands, that grip onto anything and everything, so tightly.
His still-slightly-curved right foot. And his perfectly straight left foot. They are deliciously soft and pink.
The little scratch on his nose — I really should cut his nails more often!
His chubby, bloated, full-of-milk belly.
His huge, navy eyes, that are forever darting about, checking out the scenery.
His giggle. It's a real, little boy giggle now.
His smooth, white skin. Unblemished. Pure.
The look of bliss that lights up his face the second the warm bath water hits his naked bum.
The urgent, open-mouthed panting that begins the moment he glimpses my exposed nipple!
The sleepy, half-hearted whines that begin a few minutes before he closes his eyes.
His half-closed eyes as he drifts off to sleep...
Monday, May 12, 2008
Mother's Day/Mothers' Day
Hmmm... The apostrophe for Mother's/s' Day really stumps me.
Anyway, it was just the loveliest day! First of all, Phil let me sleep in, or, rather, through Oti's first wake up, so I didn't have to get out of bed until 8:30, which was such a treat. He then presented me with a plate of the richest, yummiest chocolate pancakes with a roasted hazelnut sauce. I can't begin to describe how incredibly delicious they were! I was given a very stylish khaki designer nappy bag, to replace my old, broken one, with a zipper that burst under the weight of too many nappies! I highly recommend the brand — Soon — to all mothers-to-be. It's very roomy and very cool.
I was also given a card in which Otis "signed" his name.
I dressed him in his animal print finery — a leopard Rock Your Baby long-sleeve onesie and tiger Huggalugs — and carted him, along with all my yummy baked goods, to Mum's for the day. We enjoyed good food — cold seafood, layered Mexican dip, deep-fried polenta-crusted chicken, salads, and chocolate caramel slice — and wonderful company and conversation. Oh, and a few white wines...
Today Otis had his 4 month shots. He screamed for a few seconds, but quickly forgot about the pain, once his mouth found my nipple! He's been in a great mood all day, and we've been singing and reading and generally acting silly together. I gave him an hour of nappy-free time which he loved, but which resulted in a few sudden sprays!
The sleeping during the day is still dreadful. He's only sleeping through one sleep cycle, waking on cue 45 minutes after he first goes down. Some days I manage to get him re-settled and he sleep through another cycle, other days it's just too hard, and I give in. On these days I try to get him to have another afternoon sleep a little later.
The nights are getting better though. Last night he slept in the cot for 4 hours, woke for a feed, then in the cot for another 2 1/2 hours, then a feed, then in with me until 6:30. He's such a snuggly little thing, now that the temperature has dropped. I could cuddle him under the covers all day long.
Anyway, I am working on helping him to get to sleep with less and less assistance — today just held him still, until he shut his eyes — and on not beating myself up about his inability to do so!
Anyway, it was just the loveliest day! First of all, Phil let me sleep in, or, rather, through Oti's first wake up, so I didn't have to get out of bed until 8:30, which was such a treat. He then presented me with a plate of the richest, yummiest chocolate pancakes with a roasted hazelnut sauce. I can't begin to describe how incredibly delicious they were! I was given a very stylish khaki designer nappy bag, to replace my old, broken one, with a zipper that burst under the weight of too many nappies! I highly recommend the brand — Soon — to all mothers-to-be. It's very roomy and very cool.
I was also given a card in which Otis "signed" his name.
I dressed him in his animal print finery — a leopard Rock Your Baby long-sleeve onesie and tiger Huggalugs — and carted him, along with all my yummy baked goods, to Mum's for the day. We enjoyed good food — cold seafood, layered Mexican dip, deep-fried polenta-crusted chicken, salads, and chocolate caramel slice — and wonderful company and conversation. Oh, and a few white wines...
Today Otis had his 4 month shots. He screamed for a few seconds, but quickly forgot about the pain, once his mouth found my nipple! He's been in a great mood all day, and we've been singing and reading and generally acting silly together. I gave him an hour of nappy-free time which he loved, but which resulted in a few sudden sprays!
The sleeping during the day is still dreadful. He's only sleeping through one sleep cycle, waking on cue 45 minutes after he first goes down. Some days I manage to get him re-settled and he sleep through another cycle, other days it's just too hard, and I give in. On these days I try to get him to have another afternoon sleep a little later.
The nights are getting better though. Last night he slept in the cot for 4 hours, woke for a feed, then in the cot for another 2 1/2 hours, then a feed, then in with me until 6:30. He's such a snuggly little thing, now that the temperature has dropped. I could cuddle him under the covers all day long.
Anyway, I am working on helping him to get to sleep with less and less assistance — today just held him still, until he shut his eyes — and on not beating myself up about his inability to do so!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Torn
I think half my problem is that I am torn between doing what "they" say I should, and doing what I feel naturally inclined to do. I am obsessed with preventing the formation of bad habits, when perhaps I should just be living in the now. Mum told me to jump into bed with him and put him on the boob if/when all else fails... That is exactly what I long to do when he is distressed, but I have convinced myself that it's not "allowed". I'm not sure who is policing all this — I guess I am. Neither Phil, nor Mum, nor Lan, nor any of the other key players in my mothering life expect me and Otis to be a perfectly, by-the-book, functioning unit. But I have internalised all the mantras that you hear in parenting books and at the Early Childhood Health Centre and on TV. It's so silly.
I've gone against SIDS guidelines yet again, and put his sheepskin in his cot. It seems to be helping. The idea of a bare, short-sheeted cot is just fine in theory, but so un-cosy, so impractical when it comes to inducing sleep in an infant. So do you follow the guidelines to the letter and end up tearing your hair out, or do you use common sense and proceed with caution? It's a tough one.
Oh, he wakes...
I've gone against SIDS guidelines yet again, and put his sheepskin in his cot. It seems to be helping. The idea of a bare, short-sheeted cot is just fine in theory, but so un-cosy, so impractical when it comes to inducing sleep in an infant. So do you follow the guidelines to the letter and end up tearing your hair out, or do you use common sense and proceed with caution? It's a tough one.
Oh, he wakes...
Monday, May 5, 2008
Jekyll and Hyde
This past week Otis has been such an easy baby to care for... Sleeping well, and falling asleep without any drama. Smiling, and, in a very exciting, recent development, entertaining himself with toys! He still has a little trouble grasping them, but he can usually get a bit of a grip, and when he does, whatever he's holding goes straight into his mouth! What this means for us is that he no longer screams in the car! Yesterday, he gurgled away happily whilst chomping on Googlebot — Phil named it, don't ask — and staring at his brightly coloured appendages.
We swapped the bassinette for the cot, which meant a bit of a furniture rearranging, and has signalled a return to sleep problems. Big, huge, tear-inducing — yes, in baby and Mama — sleep problems. You see, we've been managing to get him into his bed awake, and then a few quick pats, or just a firm hand on his shoulder, and he's asleep, dreaming peacefully of boobs and milk and cuddles from his favourite people. But today, things were crazy. I put him in, held him still for a minute or two, and left him to sleep. But he woke up a mere 30 minutes later! I popped the dummy in and he settled, only to wake again in a matter of minutes. I took him out, re-wrapped him — a technique that is quickly proving fruitless, as he pops his arms out at the first sign of agitation — cuddled him 'til his eyes started to close, and popped him back in, on his side so that I could pat him. He fell asleep, but woke as soon as I moved away.
I tried a few more variations on this, becoming increasingly cranky all the while. I then moved to my bed, and gave him a few pats before he appeared to be fast asleep. Again, as soon as I moved away his eyes sprang open and the squirming dance began. At this point, I was beside myself — it had been an hour of nonsense, and I felt so defeated and useless. I left him screaming on the bed and went outside to call my Dad for advice and a bit of comfort...
I eventually gave up, jumped into bed with him in one arm and my book in another, and he fell asleep pretty much immediately. And his perfect, pretty, innocent little face pointed up at me made me feel so guilty for getting so angry. But I am really worried that he's suddenly decided that he won't sleep unless he's being cuddled, and I worry that it's all my fault, given that he spends half the night in my arms. I am feeling pretty low after being on a real high the past few days... I just feel like a failure, not only because of today's episode, but also because he's not yet sleeping in a seamless, predictable pattern overnight, and because my house is a disgusting mess... I feel as if I should be able to get more done. Other mothers manage to keep their houses clean and tidy! Why am I struggling so much?
Phil has promised to get him down to sleep tonight, so at least there's some reprieve in sight. Oh, I fell asleep soon after he did, but got up after being woken by the phone. He's still asleep, rugged up under my doona in a very evil-SIDS-inducing fashion...
We swapped the bassinette for the cot, which meant a bit of a furniture rearranging, and has signalled a return to sleep problems. Big, huge, tear-inducing — yes, in baby and Mama — sleep problems. You see, we've been managing to get him into his bed awake, and then a few quick pats, or just a firm hand on his shoulder, and he's asleep, dreaming peacefully of boobs and milk and cuddles from his favourite people. But today, things were crazy. I put him in, held him still for a minute or two, and left him to sleep. But he woke up a mere 30 minutes later! I popped the dummy in and he settled, only to wake again in a matter of minutes. I took him out, re-wrapped him — a technique that is quickly proving fruitless, as he pops his arms out at the first sign of agitation — cuddled him 'til his eyes started to close, and popped him back in, on his side so that I could pat him. He fell asleep, but woke as soon as I moved away.
I tried a few more variations on this, becoming increasingly cranky all the while. I then moved to my bed, and gave him a few pats before he appeared to be fast asleep. Again, as soon as I moved away his eyes sprang open and the squirming dance began. At this point, I was beside myself — it had been an hour of nonsense, and I felt so defeated and useless. I left him screaming on the bed and went outside to call my Dad for advice and a bit of comfort...
I eventually gave up, jumped into bed with him in one arm and my book in another, and he fell asleep pretty much immediately. And his perfect, pretty, innocent little face pointed up at me made me feel so guilty for getting so angry. But I am really worried that he's suddenly decided that he won't sleep unless he's being cuddled, and I worry that it's all my fault, given that he spends half the night in my arms. I am feeling pretty low after being on a real high the past few days... I just feel like a failure, not only because of today's episode, but also because he's not yet sleeping in a seamless, predictable pattern overnight, and because my house is a disgusting mess... I feel as if I should be able to get more done. Other mothers manage to keep their houses clean and tidy! Why am I struggling so much?
Phil has promised to get him down to sleep tonight, so at least there's some reprieve in sight. Oh, I fell asleep soon after he did, but got up after being woken by the phone. He's still asleep, rugged up under my doona in a very evil-SIDS-inducing fashion...
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