My shorn little man...

Well, we took the plunge. We've been tossing up whether or not to cut his hair for a little while now. It grows very fast, and is always in his eyes and getting scraggly at the ends. It's such a beautiful, wheat blonde shade though, and so silky. I spray conditioner in it every morning and comb out the tangles. I've always been proud of it, despite (or, maybe because) it doesn't look particularly masculine.

Anyway, Phil attempted a trim at first. Disaster. It was choppy and chunky, and not in a good way. So Phil took out the clippers. He demonstrated on his own head first, which of course made O very keen for Phil to go ahead.

I was excited at first. He's got an exquisite face that I knew wouldn't be spoiled by any haircut. But when it was all off, I cried. And then I cried some more. And then later when he lay on my, sucking his dummy and stroking my face the way he always does, I cried a bit more. And I cried this morning on the phone to Mum. And then on the phone to Lan, while I was on the train.

Why am I so teary over this? He doesn't look bad. He looks lovely, handsome, neat, grown up. Too grown up. I think this was just a catalyst for the release and realisation of all the ambivalence I've been carrying about having this baby at this time. Don't get me wrong, I very much love and want my second child, but I feel as if I've been forced to rush my oldest baby into being a big boy before he is/we are quite ready. All this one-on-one time we've shared, our little adventures, the moments that are just ours. I won't have many more of those. I know I'll make time for us to be together without the baby, but those times will be fleeting. I don't whether I appreciated him enough, I don't know that I soaked it all in. I was too worried about sleeps, and crying, and whether I was doing it all properly. It's not about that, it's a relationship between two people, the most intense relationship you can possibly imagine. And now it will be watered down, it will be shared. It won't be the same and I don't know if I am ready.

I feel like I lost more than just some gorgeous strands of golden hair. My baby isn't a baby anymore. Time won't stand still, no matter how much I want it to.

Uh-oh, tears again...