Just wrote this great entry, and lost the entire thing when the internet disconnected... Trying to get it done while they are both asleep, so incredibly frustrated that I essentially wasted the last 20 minutes.
Anyway, the great (?) thing about motherhood is that it evens out the playing field... It is chaotic, scary, intense and ultimately wonderful, no matter who you are. It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor, highly educated or not, attractive or ugly, black or white... From the moment you wee on the stick, to when you are pushing so hard you think your eyeballs will explode, to when you are afraid your arms will fall off from rocking and patting your wakeful 7 week old wonder to sleep... Motherhood hits us all pretty hard. I am sure that Angelina Jolie and Nicole Richie have nannies on hand to help out with the settling, but not even the rich and famous can get out of actually giving birth! No amount of money or information or expertise can ease the burden of responsibility. It comforts me to know that there are millions of other women out there going through what I am going through, and surviving it.
Speaking of survival... I survived my time as a lone parent. I am not sure I did very well, but when Phil met us at the gate we were all clean, fed and in one piece. I had many a meltdown, cried at least every second day, and swore inappropriately at my defenceless newborn girl, but I endured it and got to the other side of my 3 week single parent stint. Never again! Not with such a young bub, anyway.
It has been great to have Phil home. Peggy is, wouldn't you know it, much easier now, more settled, quite calm, only screaming for short, manageable periods in the evening. She is still quite defiant in resisting sleep, I spend much of my day jerking her around rather violently in order to get her to sleep (she likes it, honestly, the jerkier and bouncier the movement the better), and then feeling disappointed when she wakes up too early. I get frustrated by my own frustrations - I know I should expect less and just go with the - very unpredictable - flow, but that's just not me. I battle it out with myself in my own head every day. Peggy will get easier and easier as we continue to get to know one another better, and it is this knowledge, that I acquired the first time around, that keeps me going. She is a beautiful girl, and I love her. I know my love will just keep on growing, and I can't wait for all the adventures we will share as she gets older.
Otis is great, lovely, the apple of my eye, and so funny. Santa is his current obsession. A great bribery tool for me!
Monday, December 21, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
A happier couple of days...
My little girl seems somewhat happier. Why? It could be a few things:
1. I am doing all feeds lying down. I think this stems the flow a little, she gulps less and seems very comfy and calm. It's nice for me too, but probably not an option when I am in the middle of Westfield... I know I have a very healthy supply, and I am lucky in that regard, but maybe it's a bit too much?
2. I dropped into the Baby Health Centre... They were frighteningly busy, so didn't stay, but on my way out I picked up a little leaflet which details the irritable periods you can expect to encounter during your baby's first year of life. The crying face above the 5 week mark indicated that we were smack bang on target. According to this sheet (the source of which remains unknown) she should be happier for the next two weeks... I can always dream!
3. I am going with the flow more than I was, and worrying less about bad habits and bad parenting. Letting Otis watch his "Santa show" repeatedly so that I can attend to her in peace, letting them both sleep in my bed. Just surviving. Maybe she can feel the shift in attitude?
It's impossible to tell. But she is crying less, her irritability now seems much more within the realms of normal. I still wouldnt call her happy or easy, but she's less scary right now, that's for sure. Don't want to speak too soon though!
Positive observation for the day - she is going to have curls! I can already tell. Just picture it, blond curls!!
1. I am doing all feeds lying down. I think this stems the flow a little, she gulps less and seems very comfy and calm. It's nice for me too, but probably not an option when I am in the middle of Westfield... I know I have a very healthy supply, and I am lucky in that regard, but maybe it's a bit too much?
2. I dropped into the Baby Health Centre... They were frighteningly busy, so didn't stay, but on my way out I picked up a little leaflet which details the irritable periods you can expect to encounter during your baby's first year of life. The crying face above the 5 week mark indicated that we were smack bang on target. According to this sheet (the source of which remains unknown) she should be happier for the next two weeks... I can always dream!
3. I am going with the flow more than I was, and worrying less about bad habits and bad parenting. Letting Otis watch his "Santa show" repeatedly so that I can attend to her in peace, letting them both sleep in my bed. Just surviving. Maybe she can feel the shift in attitude?
It's impossible to tell. But she is crying less, her irritability now seems much more within the realms of normal. I still wouldnt call her happy or easy, but she's less scary right now, that's for sure. Don't want to speak too soon though!
Positive observation for the day - she is going to have curls! I can already tell. Just picture it, blond curls!!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
A break... Finally!
Grammy has Peggy for the DAY.
It feels so good. I don't miss her. Otis does though, he keeps saying "Baaayby" and making an inquisitive, slightly sorrowful face.
I've been reading Robin Barker's Baby Love. Great, great book. I referred to it often when Otis was young. She dispenses advice in a calm, no-nonsense fashion, and doesn't have an obvious agenda. She provides a variety of options, explains the pros and cons of each, and gives parents freedom to follow their own instincts. It's much less condescending, much less extreme, much less militant than many of the other books.
She says, of babies who cry excessively, that most of the time there is no medical reason for it, and that the anxiety and tension and irritability usually resolves itself with time. I am sure that this is what will happen with Peggy. I will simply have to survive the next couple of months and try to remain optimistic. I will try, each day, to report one positive thing about my beautiful baby girl, one small moment, one minor fact, that will pull me through and remind me how lucky I am to have her, even though she screams from about midday until bedtime, every single day.
I do just love her, her lovely, thoughtful, pretty little face, her dark eyes, her thick and fluffy hair that is flecked with gold and reaches a few centimetres below her neck.
It feels so good. I don't miss her. Otis does though, he keeps saying "Baaayby" and making an inquisitive, slightly sorrowful face.
I've been reading Robin Barker's Baby Love. Great, great book. I referred to it often when Otis was young. She dispenses advice in a calm, no-nonsense fashion, and doesn't have an obvious agenda. She provides a variety of options, explains the pros and cons of each, and gives parents freedom to follow their own instincts. It's much less condescending, much less extreme, much less militant than many of the other books.
She says, of babies who cry excessively, that most of the time there is no medical reason for it, and that the anxiety and tension and irritability usually resolves itself with time. I am sure that this is what will happen with Peggy. I will simply have to survive the next couple of months and try to remain optimistic. I will try, each day, to report one positive thing about my beautiful baby girl, one small moment, one minor fact, that will pull me through and remind me how lucky I am to have her, even though she screams from about midday until bedtime, every single day.
I do just love her, her lovely, thoughtful, pretty little face, her dark eyes, her thick and fluffy hair that is flecked with gold and reaches a few centimetres below her neck.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Can't write too much...
For fear of what I might say.
My little girl, whom I love so, so much, is not making me very happy right now.
I am not enjoying her one bit.
I love her... Do I like her?
My little girl, whom I love so, so much, is not making me very happy right now.
I am not enjoying her one bit.
I love her... Do I like her?
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Playing at being a single mum...
It's OK, Phil and I are still together! But he is away for work, for three weeks (or just shy of, I am on a countdown and there are 17 days left) and I am here in my little unit with my two babies and a Christmas tree. Advent this year is a countdown on a few levels! Phil will be home a week before Christmas and I have no doubt I will cry tears of relief.
I am not alone. My Mum has taken two weeks off work to help me care for my children, and I am so very grateful for that. She has been so wonderful, and of course Otis is thrilled to be spending so much time with her. But the one complication is that he basically fails to even register my existence when he's around Mum... Usually this doesn't bother me too much. I mean, I get it: all he does when he is with her is have fun, fun and more fun! He eats whatever he wants and has her undivided attention, and is witness to her crazy antics and boundless energy. Compared to his time with me, which, while frequently lots of fun (I hope) also entails chores and discipline and my focus being split between the various elements of my life - including, now, his baby sister.
To be honest, it's getting me down. But I need the help. So I have to try to accept it best I can.
Otis is ill (again) and yesterday it got to a scary point, very, very high fever and strange, listless behaviour. I knew he's sleep fitfully and would need a lot of help to stay asleep, so felt that my only option was to send him to Mum. I haven't expressed enough milk yet to palm Peggy off to anyone else.
I am feeling so torn between my two children. Newborns and sick toddlers are both so needy. It's near impossible for one person to meet all of those needs all of the time. So I will keep leaning on my very supprtive Mum and keep feeling split, I suppose. Working on expressing so that Mum can have Peggy at some point and Otis and I can share some one-on-one time.
Peggy is gradually becoming easier in that I am getting to know her and am able to predict her behaviour a little more easily. She's sleeping for two good 3-4 hour stretches per day (one in the morning, one at night) and otherwise has short naps. She feeds really well and has gained 600g in four weeks. She's starting to make happy little facial expressions (not sure whether they are actual smiles though) and has quite a desperate cry when hungry. Her little face is something I could stare at all day long.
I am not alone. My Mum has taken two weeks off work to help me care for my children, and I am so very grateful for that. She has been so wonderful, and of course Otis is thrilled to be spending so much time with her. But the one complication is that he basically fails to even register my existence when he's around Mum... Usually this doesn't bother me too much. I mean, I get it: all he does when he is with her is have fun, fun and more fun! He eats whatever he wants and has her undivided attention, and is witness to her crazy antics and boundless energy. Compared to his time with me, which, while frequently lots of fun (I hope) also entails chores and discipline and my focus being split between the various elements of my life - including, now, his baby sister.
To be honest, it's getting me down. But I need the help. So I have to try to accept it best I can.
Otis is ill (again) and yesterday it got to a scary point, very, very high fever and strange, listless behaviour. I knew he's sleep fitfully and would need a lot of help to stay asleep, so felt that my only option was to send him to Mum. I haven't expressed enough milk yet to palm Peggy off to anyone else.
I am feeling so torn between my two children. Newborns and sick toddlers are both so needy. It's near impossible for one person to meet all of those needs all of the time. So I will keep leaning on my very supprtive Mum and keep feeling split, I suppose. Working on expressing so that Mum can have Peggy at some point and Otis and I can share some one-on-one time.
Peggy is gradually becoming easier in that I am getting to know her and am able to predict her behaviour a little more easily. She's sleeping for two good 3-4 hour stretches per day (one in the morning, one at night) and otherwise has short naps. She feeds really well and has gained 600g in four weeks. She's starting to make happy little facial expressions (not sure whether they are actual smiles though) and has quite a desperate cry when hungry. Her little face is something I could stare at all day long.
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