Australia...

I saw it last night. Rarely has a film made such an emotional impact on me. I guess mother/son scenarios move me that much more since having Otis. In the film, Nicole Kidman's character becomes something of a mother to the gorgeous, endearing little Nulla, and has to eventually face up to, not only his Aboriginality, but, more significantly for me, his maturation. He has to "go walkabout", to become a man.

I have been thinking so much about Otis getting older, getting bigger, becoming a boy as opposed to a baby. It makes me sad. I want him to stay attached to me, to continue to adore me and crave my affection and nearness, to always be as physically close to me as he is now. I don't want him to get tall and pimply and hairy and sarcastic. But I know that one day he will. And of course, one day I just know I'll be so proud of the man he becomes. But right now I am trying to savour his smallness.

He's not that small! He's nearly 10 kg at 10 months of age. His weight gain slowed down a little over the last month, I think because he went through a phase wherein refusing food was something of a game to him. He's back to eating lots and often. He's 76 cm tall, still quite tall for his age. I bought him his first proper pair of shoes, little black Dunlop Volleys, and they look incredibly cute paired with a slogan tee and jeans or cargos. I really do love dressing him! In him I get to assemble the kind of outfits I'd wear if I were male.

He's been crawling properly now for about 2 weeks. He's quick and sometimes, a bit like a 4WD, just drives straight through/over whatever is in his way. He sometimes waves goodbye now, and will sometimes pass something to me if I ask and put my hand out. He also shakes his head "no" if he's had enough food or boob. His hair is getting long to the point that people are frequently mistaking him for a girl — luckily this doesn't phase me.

Sleep at 10 months of age...

Two steps forward, one step back. There is always something.

This week Otis has had two wonderful, restful nights, only waking once or twice, which has been such a change. Of course, I miss him when he's in his cot, as much as I am desperate for him to stay asleep in it longer. Oh, there's no logic.

Anyway, he's falling asleep in the evening fairly easily, with the help of Sammy the Seahorse and lots of patting. Oh, and a breastfeed, of course. But the day sleeps are another thing altogether. He's staying awake for 4 hour periods, so 7-11, sleep for 45-90 minutes, the awake from 12ish-4ish, then sleeping 'til 5:30!! This is too late. It then puts his bedtime back to 9 or so, which means I get no TV time, so non-mothering time, and it absolutely sucks. I am so drained right now, after a long evening.

The other thing with the day sleeps is the amount of time and stress I am putting into settling him to sleep. He just wants to roll around in his cot, sit up, stand up, hold on to the bars, and laugh. It is incredibly draining and frustrating. Sometimes tear-inducing. I hope it's just a phase...

Speak up, speak up!!

Hmmm... Since people in my life started having babies, I have come to realise that I am not alone in the struggles I face on a daily basis. Yes, to the outside world they are all happy, happy, joy, joy too, but I know what goes on behind closed doors, and it bears an eerie resemblance to what goes on here.

I just wish mothers would speak up more about how hard it is to be a mum! Please, I beg of you, stop pretending. It is so wrong, all this pretence and posturing. All it does it make other women feel like abject failures.

I am so glad I finally worked this out. My new enlightened state is fantastic! I know, now, that most babies spend at least some of the night in their mummys' beds, that everyone, no matter how intelligent/confident/maternal/capable finds some aspects of mothering "challenging" (read, impossible, and that things get better.

Speaking of getting better, Otis slept 8-2 in his cot last night!!? This is totally unprecedented.

He's been eating some yummy food of late. Last night I pureed canellini beans, chicken thighs pan-fried with garlic, spinach from our potted garden, and olive oil, and he couldn't get enough. He's also loving a coconut and vanilla custard I'm making. Here's the recipe for anyone interested:

Combine 1 tsp vanilla essence, 1 1/2 tsp caster sugar, 3 tsp dessicated coconut, 5 heaped tsp rice flour/ground rice and 300ml milk in a saucepan. Stir over medium heat until it reaches the desired consistency. This does Otis for 3 nights of dessert!

Thoughts on being a "working" mother...

Although my work is entirely unpaid, at present, I am feeling the strain of being pulled in numerous directions, and the guilt that inevitably comes of spending time away from one's babe. I have lots of little deadlines to deal with, as well as, of course, one major deadline — a submission date. I have been working any chance I get these past couple of weeks, and Mum has been a huge help, taking Otis for a few afternoons last week as well as all day Wednesday, as per usual. The upside is that I get time away from him to focus on my writing. The downside is that I feel bad for offloading him, jealous of the time Mum has with him, and lonely as hell without him.

I keep catching myself wishing I had nothing else but mothering with which to occupy my time. But then, would I still be me? Writing and researching and thinking, thinking, thinking is such a part of who I am. And I think having that time away, as busy and stressful and non-relaxing as it is, helps me to be able to focus entirely on Otis when I am not working on my thesis. It adds to my own sometimes skewed sense of self-worth, and connects me to the real world, or, rather, my old world, a world that didn't include dummies, breastfeeding and patting a wriggling child to sleep.