Emily gave birth to Bonnie Matilda yesterday. I am so unreservedly thrilled for the newly formed family. Just can't WAIT to meet Bonnie, and to meet Mama Emily. For it IS like being reborn. Emily WILL be different, and that's not a bad thing.
I keep thinking about what I want to say to her, what I wish had been said to me... What I keep coming back to is THROW AWAY ALL THE BOOKS. The basic factual stuff is important, but advice and the tactics and the strategies and the should, should, shoulds... I'll never consult any of that again.
I am just so happy right now. The day I decided to do what feels natural and comfortable was the day I finally felt like a good mother. I have given myself permission to make my own choices, and to have confidence in those choices. Otis is such a joy, he makes me smile and laugh and fills me with awe. When I hear him call my name — my new name, Mama, not Rochelle — I feel all warm inside, the way you do after that first glass of wine. I am so in love, and it is a beautiful, magical feeling. To quote one of Oti's favourite books — When I'm Feeling Happy, by Trace Moroney:
When I'm feeling happy, I feel B-B-BOUNCY and full of joy.
When I'm feeling happy my face feels smiley, and everything in the world feels especially wonderful...
Yesterday we took him swimming at Hurstville Aquatic Centre. He amazed me! He goes under and no longer comes up spluttering and shaken — he comes up with a smile! He kicks his little legs and can hold onto the edge all by himself, for minutes at a time. He really is clever.
He drinks from a cup unassisted now, and barely spills a drop.
He's moving more and more... I predict he'll be crawling within a week.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
New things...
Otis has started shaking his head so as to indicate 'NO!' when he has enough food or water. He does it with a cheeky grin splitting his face in two. It's very cute, and very indicative of the little person he's quickly becoming.
He's climbing! He can't crawl, but, boy, he can climb. He can pull himself into a standing position, although can't stand unassisted just yet.
He says 'Mama' all the time now, whenever he wants me and can't quite reach me. Music to the ears!
For awhile now he's been picking things up with his feet, as if he's been the victim of a horrible hand amputation or something. Such a little monkey!
He eats anything and everything now... This week, for instance, he's loving hummus. He's also been fortunate enough to sample chocolate gelato, strawberry smoothie, aioli, feta and spinach dip, and lamb cutlets.
His day sleeps are so very unpredictable... This morning he slept 2 hours in his pram, and he's been asleep this afternoon for over an hour already. Yesterday he only had one sleep of 45 minutes and was absolutely fine! Routine? This boy laughs in the face of routine.
Sleeping with me from about 10/11 most nights, which I am now 100% at peace with. Phil still makes a bit of noise about re-settling him in his cot at that time, but it's just so easy this way. He's been fairly easy to re-settle when he wakes through the night, usually I can do this without feeds, it just depends.
He's climbing! He can't crawl, but, boy, he can climb. He can pull himself into a standing position, although can't stand unassisted just yet.
He says 'Mama' all the time now, whenever he wants me and can't quite reach me. Music to the ears!
For awhile now he's been picking things up with his feet, as if he's been the victim of a horrible hand amputation or something. Such a little monkey!
He eats anything and everything now... This week, for instance, he's loving hummus. He's also been fortunate enough to sample chocolate gelato, strawberry smoothie, aioli, feta and spinach dip, and lamb cutlets.
His day sleeps are so very unpredictable... This morning he slept 2 hours in his pram, and he's been asleep this afternoon for over an hour already. Yesterday he only had one sleep of 45 minutes and was absolutely fine! Routine? This boy laughs in the face of routine.
Sleeping with me from about 10/11 most nights, which I am now 100% at peace with. Phil still makes a bit of noise about re-settling him in his cot at that time, but it's just so easy this way. He's been fairly easy to re-settle when he wakes through the night, usually I can do this without feeds, it just depends.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Clingy...
One of the main changes in recent times is that Otis has gone from being happy to passed around like a parcel at a kid's birthday party to crying for his Mama whenever I leave the room! It's intense and, in many ways, unpleasant, but it is also nice to feel so very wanted and loved. These past few days he hasn't been quite so bad, perhaps because Phil is home on holidays, so we're spending less one-on-one, baby-on-Mama time. So many of the photos I've taken recently depict him with arms outstretched towards the camera, face red and concerned. He'd like me to just carry him around on my hip all day long. I, obviously, am not all that keen on that idea!
During the wedding ceremony in Noosa, Phil had to literally hide Otis so that he couldn't catch a glimpse of me. The minute he does, it's "Mamamamamama..." accompanied by a great big lurch towards me.
What bugs me most, though, are the reactions of others. Other parents generally don't say a word about it — although his Nana and Pa seem inexplicably put out by it all — but childless people love to make comments along the lines of, "Oh, what a Mummy's boy!", or "Don't be such a whinger Otis!" I know they don't understand that this is but a normal stage in a baby's development, and that, if he weren't incredibly attached to me there'd be something seriously wrong, but it still frustrates me that, even after I've explained this patiently, they continue to provide a commentary on the apparently anti-social behaviour of my boy. One such person compared him to a relative of hers — a relative who is 6 months or so older (!), and who "goes to anyone".
Why do I care? I'm not sure. I am not usually someone who cares all that much about the opinions of others, but, for some reason, when it comes to my son and my parenting, I am really sensitive. I try not to show it, but I certainly feel it. It probably has to do with my confidence, or lack thereof, as a mother. I don't know what I'm doing half the time, but I am always, always trying my very best, so comments like these can feel like a bit of a kick in the guts.
One day they'll all get it!
During the wedding ceremony in Noosa, Phil had to literally hide Otis so that he couldn't catch a glimpse of me. The minute he does, it's "Mamamamamama..." accompanied by a great big lurch towards me.
What bugs me most, though, are the reactions of others. Other parents generally don't say a word about it — although his Nana and Pa seem inexplicably put out by it all — but childless people love to make comments along the lines of, "Oh, what a Mummy's boy!", or "Don't be such a whinger Otis!" I know they don't understand that this is but a normal stage in a baby's development, and that, if he weren't incredibly attached to me there'd be something seriously wrong, but it still frustrates me that, even after I've explained this patiently, they continue to provide a commentary on the apparently anti-social behaviour of my boy. One such person compared him to a relative of hers — a relative who is 6 months or so older (!), and who "goes to anyone".
Why do I care? I'm not sure. I am not usually someone who cares all that much about the opinions of others, but, for some reason, when it comes to my son and my parenting, I am really sensitive. I try not to show it, but I certainly feel it. It probably has to do with my confidence, or lack thereof, as a mother. I don't know what I'm doing half the time, but I am always, always trying my very best, so comments like these can feel like a bit of a kick in the guts.
One day they'll all get it!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
My angelic son...
Well, who would have thought.
Otis was a dream baby whilst we were holidaying in Noosa for Ez and Brett's wedding. He slept for lengthy periods — day AND night — eased up a little on the clinginess, cried rarely, smiled and laughed often, and looked adorable in his newly appropriate summer clothing. I feel so relaxed and rejuvenated after such an easy few days away. I was dreading the experience, to be honest, but it was such a happy, stress-free time. Perhaps we should just move up there? I'd do almost anything to get my baby to sleep as well as he has been.
Luckily, it appears to be continuing now that we are back home. Last night he only woke up twice! I have been putting him down at night at 8 rather than 7, perhaps this is making the difference? I have also placed a pillow in his cot — yes, I know, totally irresponsible of me, but he's big boy now, in my opinion — and have returned his cosy sheepskin as well, so maybe he's simply more comfortable. All I know is, I would be miserable too if I had to sleep sans pillow.
He fell off my bed yesterday for the first time. It scared me silly, but he is absolutely fine. I heard the thud and felt sick... His arm was twisted underneath him, but, fortunately, his head had fallen on to a pillow, breaking the fall a little.
So, things are looking up! He's with his Nana at the moment, she has him Tuesday mornings so as to a) give me some real time out (which is usually spent doing housework, unfortunately) and b) bond with him a little better.
He's just started being able to move around a bit better. He's pulling himself up on things, and can shuffle along on his chest... Not quite commando crawling, but it's progress nonetheless. It really exhausts him, he literally groans with frustration and effort.
Otis was a dream baby whilst we were holidaying in Noosa for Ez and Brett's wedding. He slept for lengthy periods — day AND night — eased up a little on the clinginess, cried rarely, smiled and laughed often, and looked adorable in his newly appropriate summer clothing. I feel so relaxed and rejuvenated after such an easy few days away. I was dreading the experience, to be honest, but it was such a happy, stress-free time. Perhaps we should just move up there? I'd do almost anything to get my baby to sleep as well as he has been.
Luckily, it appears to be continuing now that we are back home. Last night he only woke up twice! I have been putting him down at night at 8 rather than 7, perhaps this is making the difference? I have also placed a pillow in his cot — yes, I know, totally irresponsible of me, but he's big boy now, in my opinion — and have returned his cosy sheepskin as well, so maybe he's simply more comfortable. All I know is, I would be miserable too if I had to sleep sans pillow.
He fell off my bed yesterday for the first time. It scared me silly, but he is absolutely fine. I heard the thud and felt sick... His arm was twisted underneath him, but, fortunately, his head had fallen on to a pillow, breaking the fall a little.
So, things are looking up! He's with his Nana at the moment, she has him Tuesday mornings so as to a) give me some real time out (which is usually spent doing housework, unfortunately) and b) bond with him a little better.
He's just started being able to move around a bit better. He's pulling himself up on things, and can shuffle along on his chest... Not quite commando crawling, but it's progress nonetheless. It really exhausts him, he literally groans with frustration and effort.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Sleep, sleep, sleep...
Things have come to a head. For the past few days he has only slept for 30-45 minute spurts during the day, and is waking hourly for the first few hours in the evening, before coming in with me and sleeping reasonably well (not 'sleeping through', by any means, but giving me 3 hours of sleep at a time). So all day, I am getting about 3-4 hours break from him. That means he is pretty much hanging off me for 20 hours EVERY DAY. I don't remember ever signing up for attachment parenting! This is NOT what I want. I can't take it anymore.
My face is all blotchy and tired looking, my eyes all small and puffy, and my head aches from sobbing. I feel pulled between intense love, adoration for my boy — my boy who is happy and chatty and fun and beautiful, but who cannot, will not, sleep as he should — and serious, scary resentment. Why do other babies fall asleep in their cot of an evening and not wake again until the sun comes up? What are those mothers doing that I am not? Which move was it, exactly, that got us here? What the hell am I doing wrong?
I've tried innumerable approaches, none of which have worked for us. Mum believes controlled crying is the only way to fix this. But it is simply not an option for me. I am stuck, as they say, between a rock and a hard place.
I hate that, when I hear him waking and walk into his room to see his stunning, smiley, cheeky face, all I feel is frustration. I hate that so much.
My face is all blotchy and tired looking, my eyes all small and puffy, and my head aches from sobbing. I feel pulled between intense love, adoration for my boy — my boy who is happy and chatty and fun and beautiful, but who cannot, will not, sleep as he should — and serious, scary resentment. Why do other babies fall asleep in their cot of an evening and not wake again until the sun comes up? What are those mothers doing that I am not? Which move was it, exactly, that got us here? What the hell am I doing wrong?
I've tried innumerable approaches, none of which have worked for us. Mum believes controlled crying is the only way to fix this. But it is simply not an option for me. I am stuck, as they say, between a rock and a hard place.
I hate that, when I hear him waking and walk into his room to see his stunning, smiley, cheeky face, all I feel is frustration. I hate that so much.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Staving off PND
There. I've said it. For the past week and a bit I have been experiencing something that definitely resembles depression, but have been hesitant to label it that. But it's OK, I am OK. I am managing to hold it all together and keep my head above water. I was diagnosed with depression about 5 years ago, and was prescribed anti-depressants, and undertook Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). The therapy was a real success, and I've implemented those strategies at numerous times in the past few years. What I learnt about the way I think has really changed me, for the better, and has allowed me to come through many stressful situations virtually unscathed.
I did the Depression Score online, and got 11, so I am just bordering on "Possible Depression". I am aware of it, and am doing everything I can to stop it from progressing any further — lots of positive, objective thinking, talking to people who are supportive, and taking time out from mothering, when I can. I think it's the combination of the hormones associated with ovulation (I've had two periods now), the tiredness (it's starting to wear me down), Oti's recent, OTT clingy behaviour (if I am in the room, I am the only one he wants!! — it was cute in the beginning), as well as the usual Gabby-related dramas... I've had a lot on my plate, emotionally. Oh yeah, the thesis too, how could I forget?!
I've been panicky, anxious, impatient — especially with Otis, which makes me so sad, irritable and flat. But the beautiful Spring sunshine and warmth, my son's toothy smile, and the support of my wonderful husband, my dear friends, my Mum and my sister, are helping to improve my mood. I am learning to value what I do each day, to take pride in the little things. It's not easy, though, to consider hanging out the washing an accomplishment, when I am used to measuring my worth in terms of publications and writing-related praise. I'll get there!
Update on Oti's progress:
— eats lumpy, mashed meals, plus large, soft pieces of bread and kiwifruit, and gobbles down Cheesesticks (the Bega ones are best)
— eats dessert (custard that I make using rice flour, caster sugar and cow's milk)
— sits, no problem
— says Dada, Mama, Baba and NO!
— enjoys playing with pots and pans
— starting, very, very slowly, to mobilise (Phil calls it the "wounded soldier crawl", and it only happens if we bait him with something shiny or colourful, like a fish to a lure)
— stands with the help of nearby inanimate objects
— plays games that involve anticipation
— has two teeth and knows how to use them!
— sleeps for at least an hour at a time during the day (yipppeeeeee), usually 2 x 1 1/2 hour sleeps per day
— charms the pants off every person he meets!!
I did the Depression Score online, and got 11, so I am just bordering on "Possible Depression". I am aware of it, and am doing everything I can to stop it from progressing any further — lots of positive, objective thinking, talking to people who are supportive, and taking time out from mothering, when I can. I think it's the combination of the hormones associated with ovulation (I've had two periods now), the tiredness (it's starting to wear me down), Oti's recent, OTT clingy behaviour (if I am in the room, I am the only one he wants!! — it was cute in the beginning), as well as the usual Gabby-related dramas... I've had a lot on my plate, emotionally. Oh yeah, the thesis too, how could I forget?!
I've been panicky, anxious, impatient — especially with Otis, which makes me so sad, irritable and flat. But the beautiful Spring sunshine and warmth, my son's toothy smile, and the support of my wonderful husband, my dear friends, my Mum and my sister, are helping to improve my mood. I am learning to value what I do each day, to take pride in the little things. It's not easy, though, to consider hanging out the washing an accomplishment, when I am used to measuring my worth in terms of publications and writing-related praise. I'll get there!
Update on Oti's progress:
— eats lumpy, mashed meals, plus large, soft pieces of bread and kiwifruit, and gobbles down Cheesesticks (the Bega ones are best)
— eats dessert (custard that I make using rice flour, caster sugar and cow's milk)
— sits, no problem
— says Dada, Mama, Baba and NO!
— enjoys playing with pots and pans
— starting, very, very slowly, to mobilise (Phil calls it the "wounded soldier crawl", and it only happens if we bait him with something shiny or colourful, like a fish to a lure)
— stands with the help of nearby inanimate objects
— plays games that involve anticipation
— has two teeth and knows how to use them!
— sleeps for at least an hour at a time during the day (yipppeeeeee), usually 2 x 1 1/2 hour sleeps per day
— charms the pants off every person he meets!!
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Love and weakness...
So, the strategy... Easier said than bloody well done. That's my verdict!
The night started smoothly. I fed him and left him to self-settle, which he did without a sound. Amazing!! But when he woke at 10:30 for a feed — he was 'asleep', but crying, and seemed hungry — he was impossible to get back down. He screamed and screamed. Phil did his very best. But how do you go on when your baby is crying so forcefully and with such desperation that there are pools of tears in the crevices of his little ears? I couldn't do it. We couldn't do it.
I did manage to hold off with the feeds though. He's not having any milk between 10 and 5. That part seems to be working, and he IS waking less frequently. But he's still in with us, which I honestly do not mind one little bit. I just love his sleepy face, his milky breath on me all night, his body folded up against mine. It's heaven.
I am working on getting him to self-settle during the day, it's a battle. It's so frustrating! To think he could do this with hardly any fuss, only a month ago. Yesterday I had PMS, and was feeling oh-so-irritable... It really broke me. It's the control thing again. I canNOT control him. I can guide him, I can try to teach him, but he's an individual person, a very separate entity with his own ideas, his own plan.
I have decided to stop beating myself up about all this. Sleep is threatening to take over my life — not the act itself, but the the thinking about it, the planning and plotting and strategising. It's crazy! Who really cares?
I feel such immense love for him that I cannot bear to see him sad, the sound of his screams just pains me, it kills me. I keep telling myself to be strong, to be tough, but when it comes to my Otis I am the weakest of the weak.
The night started smoothly. I fed him and left him to self-settle, which he did without a sound. Amazing!! But when he woke at 10:30 for a feed — he was 'asleep', but crying, and seemed hungry — he was impossible to get back down. He screamed and screamed. Phil did his very best. But how do you go on when your baby is crying so forcefully and with such desperation that there are pools of tears in the crevices of his little ears? I couldn't do it. We couldn't do it.
I did manage to hold off with the feeds though. He's not having any milk between 10 and 5. That part seems to be working, and he IS waking less frequently. But he's still in with us, which I honestly do not mind one little bit. I just love his sleepy face, his milky breath on me all night, his body folded up against mine. It's heaven.
I am working on getting him to self-settle during the day, it's a battle. It's so frustrating! To think he could do this with hardly any fuss, only a month ago. Yesterday I had PMS, and was feeling oh-so-irritable... It really broke me. It's the control thing again. I canNOT control him. I can guide him, I can try to teach him, but he's an individual person, a very separate entity with his own ideas, his own plan.
I have decided to stop beating myself up about all this. Sleep is threatening to take over my life — not the act itself, but the the thinking about it, the planning and plotting and strategising. It's crazy! Who really cares?
I feel such immense love for him that I cannot bear to see him sad, the sound of his screams just pains me, it kills me. I keep telling myself to be strong, to be tough, but when it comes to my Otis I am the weakest of the weak.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
