Jekyll and Hyde

This past week Otis has been such an easy baby to care for... Sleeping well, and falling asleep without any drama. Smiling, and, in a very exciting, recent development, entertaining himself with toys! He still has a little trouble grasping them, but he can usually get a bit of a grip, and when he does, whatever he's holding goes straight into his mouth! What this means for us is that he no longer screams in the car! Yesterday, he gurgled away happily whilst chomping on Googlebot — Phil named it, don't ask — and staring at his brightly coloured appendages.

We swapped the bassinette for the cot, which meant a bit of a furniture rearranging, and has signalled a return to sleep problems. Big, huge, tear-inducing — yes, in baby and Mama — sleep problems. You see, we've been managing to get him into his bed awake, and then a few quick pats, or just a firm hand on his shoulder, and he's asleep, dreaming peacefully of boobs and milk and cuddles from his favourite people. But today, things were crazy. I put him in, held him still for a minute or two, and left him to sleep. But he woke up a mere 30 minutes later! I popped the dummy in and he settled, only to wake again in a matter of minutes. I took him out, re-wrapped him — a technique that is quickly proving fruitless, as he pops his arms out at the first sign of agitation — cuddled him 'til his eyes started to close, and popped him back in, on his side so that I could pat him. He fell asleep, but woke as soon as I moved away.

I tried a few more variations on this, becoming increasingly cranky all the while. I then moved to my bed, and gave him a few pats before he appeared to be fast asleep. Again, as soon as I moved away his eyes sprang open and the squirming dance began. At this point, I was beside myself — it had been an hour of nonsense, and I felt so defeated and useless. I left him screaming on the bed and went outside to call my Dad for advice and a bit of comfort...

I eventually gave up, jumped into bed with him in one arm and my book in another, and he fell asleep pretty much immediately. And his perfect, pretty, innocent little face pointed up at me made me feel so guilty for getting so angry. But I am really worried that he's suddenly decided that he won't sleep unless he's being cuddled, and I worry that it's all my fault, given that he spends half the night in my arms. I am feeling pretty low after being on a real high the past few days... I just feel like a failure, not only because of today's episode, but also because he's not yet sleeping in a seamless, predictable pattern overnight, and because my house is a disgusting mess... I feel as if I should be able to get more done. Other mothers manage to keep their houses clean and tidy! Why am I struggling so much?

Phil has promised to get him down to sleep tonight, so at least there's some reprieve in sight. Oh, I fell asleep soon after he did, but got up after being woken by the phone. He's still asleep, rugged up under my doona in a very evil-SIDS-inducing fashion...