Resolutions...

Have had a bad couple of days. It's been a bit of a journey for me, and I am happy with where I have ended up.

Peggy started out sleeping almost all the time. She could sleep in any situation, any location, and for particularly lengthy periods. A few days ago - the day Phil returned to work, in fact - this began to change. And so did I. As soon as it got hard, I started to panic. I had some scary flashbacks which led me to feel compelled and absolutely determined to get it right this time, to raise a baby who sleeps as often and goes down as easily as she "should".

I was under pressure, not so much from external forces, but largely, if I am honest with myself, from myself. I got all caught up in trying to get this innocent and confused little baby to fall asleep unassisted in her cot. How unreasonable! How ridiculous...

There are two ways of looking at this, which are unhelpfully contradictory. No wonder women end up so stressed in the early days! One school of thought is that babies learn "bad" habits quickly and need to be shown what to do and how to behave from the moment they are born. All you do, apparently, is feed, burp, change, wrap and place in the cot. Walk out of the room and eventually you'll have yourself a sleeping baby. Of course, it doesn't actually work like this for everyone, myself, Otis and Peggy included! I followed these instructions, and she would lie there for a moment, and then get fractious and squirmy and unhappy. And, if you've read any of my past posts, you'll know that I am a firm disbeliever in leaving a baby to cry. So out she would come, and we'd start again... This would go on for up to two hours, by which time she'd be over-tired, cranky and hungry, so I'd feed her and she'd literally pass out with my nipple in her milk-soaked mouth. This happened for each of her three sleeps yesterday. Not a happy pattern, and exhausting for me. I can now see that she is simply too young to be taught anything, including how to sleep away from the person she was living inside of up until a couple of weeks ago. I know, rationally, that this is the case, but for some reason, I was doubting myself and my beliefs.

You see, I am a proponent of the opposing view, which is that young babies have no sense of routine, no real understanding of the fact that they are living outside of the womb, and they need plenty of cuddles and love and whatever you can give them in order to help them fall asleep. Routines work for older babies - some people argue that the three month mark is a good time to start, others believe it is not until twelve, eighteen months that routine works. Phil and I have decided that we will revisit the idea of self-settling and going to sleep in her cot when he returns home from the US, which will be mid-December. Peggy will 7 weeks old then. It still might not work, and if it doesn't, I resolve to be OK with that.

I have raised a little boy who is more than I could ever have hoped for, who is happy, energetic, enthusiastic and loving, and who eats well, sleeps well and behaves beautifully. He slept poorly until he was eighteen months old, but through it all we loved him and held him and responded constistently to him, with the result that he is now so secure in our love for him. I want this for Little P more than I want her to be the ideal sleeper. I have to remind myself of this everytime I get cross with her.

Yes, I've already called her a few nasty names, and I am not proud of having done so. But when she woke up from her morning sleep I explained to her what I had resolved, and told her I'd be kinder and more patient from now on, and I am sure the little grimace she responded with was more than just wind!

Otis adores Peggy, kisses her non-stop, holds her hand and strokes her pretty head. One of the first things he says of a morning is "Baby". She is a very beloved little person, and I am keen to show her a bit more of my love and focus a little less on the discipline.