I am an awful mother...

I got really frustrated and just screamed at him. I really, really screamed. I am so horrible. I really hate myself right now.

How can I yell at him? He's a helpless, ignorant infant. I love him so much, but sometimes I just become enraged. I know it's not really at him, it's at myself... I get angry when I don't see results that match my efforts. I try so hard to do everything properly and by the book, but sometimes there are no answers, no remedies. And it's all so unexpected, so impossible to predict.

I tried for well over an hour to get him to sleep. He wasn't even whinging, he was just wide awake, yet he had to have been exhausted as he hadn't slept at all since early this morning. He just stared up at me, those big blue eyes blinking, wondering why he was wrapped and in bed when he wasn't even sleepy. I was simply trying to avoid another night like the one I had on Tuesday, when, as a result of not sleeping during the day, he was beside himself with exhaustion to the point that even my Dad was unable to get him down. I am forever thinking ahead, plotting and planning... I think I am probably too self-congratulatory when my scheming seemingly does work. It's probably all a fluke. It is becoming more and more apparent that Otis is the boss...