Just wrote this great entry, and lost the entire thing when the internet disconnected... Trying to get it done while they are both asleep, so incredibly frustrated that I essentially wasted the last 20 minutes.
Anyway, the great (?) thing about motherhood is that it evens out the playing field... It is chaotic, scary, intense and ultimately wonderful, no matter who you are. It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor, highly educated or not, attractive or ugly, black or white... From the moment you wee on the stick, to when you are pushing so hard you think your eyeballs will explode, to when you are afraid your arms will fall off from rocking and patting your wakeful 7 week old wonder to sleep... Motherhood hits us all pretty hard. I am sure that Angelina Jolie and Nicole Richie have nannies on hand to help out with the settling, but not even the rich and famous can get out of actually giving birth! No amount of money or information or expertise can ease the burden of responsibility. It comforts me to know that there are millions of other women out there going through what I am going through, and surviving it.
Speaking of survival... I survived my time as a lone parent. I am not sure I did very well, but when Phil met us at the gate we were all clean, fed and in one piece. I had many a meltdown, cried at least every second day, and swore inappropriately at my defenceless newborn girl, but I endured it and got to the other side of my 3 week single parent stint. Never again! Not with such a young bub, anyway.
It has been great to have Phil home. Peggy is, wouldn't you know it, much easier now, more settled, quite calm, only screaming for short, manageable periods in the evening. She is still quite defiant in resisting sleep, I spend much of my day jerking her around rather violently in order to get her to sleep (she likes it, honestly, the jerkier and bouncier the movement the better), and then feeling disappointed when she wakes up too early. I get frustrated by my own frustrations - I know I should expect less and just go with the - very unpredictable - flow, but that's just not me. I battle it out with myself in my own head every day. Peggy will get easier and easier as we continue to get to know one another better, and it is this knowledge, that I acquired the first time around, that keeps me going. She is a beautiful girl, and I love her. I know my love will just keep on growing, and I can't wait for all the adventures we will share as she gets older.
Otis is great, lovely, the apple of my eye, and so funny. Santa is his current obsession. A great bribery tool for me!
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